"My
elderly parents are not as energetic as they were a few years
ago. They now have difficulty keeping up their house, and doing
day to day activities at home . When I visit them I offer to
help but they will not let me. I am worried about them not being
able to stay safely on their own much longer. How can I get them
to let me help them?"
A – I am sure you
would like a simple prescription but alas there isnt one. It
is very normal for parents to resist and even resent their childrens
offers to help. Some are too proud to admit they need the help,
some dont recognize that they need the help. Sometimes people
will passively accept help if it is just given and they are not
asked to say yes or no to it. Start with the small and easy things
that will not disrupt their everyday habits. Adults have the
right to make choices you dont agree with so avoid arguing, lectures
and threats. That way when the time comes, and it will, that
they realize they must accept some help, you dont have to mend
fences.
"I live
far from my widowed mother. She has been unwell lately and I
have made several last minute trips to help her out. The trips
have happened on very short notice, and they really upset my
own household, and my coworkers patience with my unplanned absences
is growing short. I would like to move my mother to where I live
but she does not really want to move. I am so worried about her
and think she would be better off closer to me. What do you think
about moving her when she really does not want to come here?"
A – It is very hard
to be a distant caregiver. If your mother prefers to stay in
her present location moving her may compound the effects of transfer
trauma which frequently happen to elderly people when they are
uprooted from their familiar surroundings. Engaging a qualified
professional elder care manager would help you see that your
mother's needs are met in the community where she currently is
and give you the peace of mind you need. An elder care manager
can arrange and oversee any assistance she may need, temporarily
or long term, such as grocery shopping, housekeeping, laundry,
accompany to appointments or activities. The care manager can
also make regular or unannounced visits to your mother and let
you know how she is managing. Then you no longer have to drop
your other responsibilities and go to help her yourself. To find
this type of help contact the Area Office of Aging where the
elder person resides.
"My
aunt is often very confused and I don't think she should be living
alone. I've talked with her doctor and he says that because she
owns her home nothing can be done that she doesn't agree to.
She occassionally leaves the stove on, and lately I have been
getting calls from neighbors who find her lost and unable to
get home on her own. What can I do?"
A – When an adult
is not mentally capable, meaning their judgement is impaired
and they pose a danger to themselves or others there are steps
that can be taken to safe guard them and others. Solutions to
the concerns you have for your aunt should first involve a medical
work up (preferably by a physician that specializes in gerontology
or neurology) to rule out any treatable condition. If there is
no treatable condition, you need to see that a "guardian
of the person" is appointed for your aunt and that would
involve bringing documentation before a judge. As difficult as
this may seem, if your aunt is truly not able to safely care
for herself and poses a danger to herself and others, this is
the caring and responsible thing to do.
"We
all live near my father, yet I am the only one who regularly
visits and helps him out. I am afraid that if he got seriously
ill they would come running to his side and we would not agree
about how to help and care for him. Is there anything I can do
to be sure he gets the kind of care he wants, even if the rest
of the family is involved?"
A – Obtain a form
for a "Power of Attorney for Health Care". They are
easy to obtain from any number of sources: hospitals, office
supply companies, medical society and various health care organizations,
and senior citizen organizations. Get a blank form and read it
through to have a clear idea of some of the options that can
be followed if or when your father is not able to express his
wishes. After you have a discussion with him he can complete
the form and his wishes and directions will be known. This type
of power of attorney is often called an advance directive because
it gives directions for care ahead of or in advance of the fact.
Helping your father clearly state his wishes will help avoid
conflict between family members and remove the responsibility
of any one family member having to decide for him. Although an
attorney may often suggest this type of power of attorney be
completed along with a will you do not have to use the services
of an attorney (you do need a witness) to complete a valid and
binding Power of Attorney for Health Care.
"My
mother cared for her mother toward the end of her life until
she died. She is now asking me to promise that I will do the
same for her and assure her that she will never be sent to a
nursing home. I want to say yes to her but I am working full-time
and do not think we could afford to have me stop working if she
needed a lot of care at home. My mother has limited funds. How
much help could she get if she came to live in our home and I
kept on working at my job?"
A – Several recent
changes make your mothers request unrealistic. Advances
in medical technology have prolonged our lifespan and made aging
and caregiving much more complex than they were one and two generations
ago. Before antibiotics were widely used, it was common for a
frail older person to die peacefully at home. Today frail elderly
people often require long periods of assistance with daily activities
and receive intensive skilled medical and nursing care. If you
are employed or have dependent children to care for, you may
not be able to consistently give your mother the best care at
home. Nursing homes offer 24 hours care, 7 days a week, every
day of the year and have the equipment and skills to provide
elder care. If your mother is concerned because she fears isolation
from her family, they can share visiting and ensure that she
continues to have attention and companionship. Concerns about
the quality of care can be eliminated by making frequent unannounced
visits to your mother, and by getting to know the caregivers
at the nursing home.
I have a
question that I hope you can help me with. My brother has Hodgkin's
Disease. He was receiving unemployment benefits and they ran
out. He can't get any assistance from Welfare/Public Aid because
he receives $350.00 per month child support. He is appealing
his case with the SS board. Until he receives his SS, how does
he live? Where can he go to get assistance? He needs monthly
expenses paid for or at least get some help for paying them.
He has a 10yr old boy and CAN NOT work at all.
A – Each state has
revised it's public assistance regulations and you are correct
- they will not qualify for a cash grant. Depending on his reserve
assets - he and the child may qualify for food stamps, and medical
aid. Common reasons for rejection from SS are a) not medically
qualifying, AND b) incomplete documentation in the application
(which can be easily remedied if one hounds the physician). Each
rejection letter clearly spells out the basis for the rejection.
I would advise anyone of limited financial circumstance to go
to a legal aid clinic about the Social Security appeal process
- they will at least help him to other community resources, or
possibility a private attorney who is familiar with the process
and can set a flat fee. A private attorney will take up to 1/3
of the 6 months of social security that is awarded retroactively
if the case is won. If your brother is less than 65 years old
and gets SODA (disability) he will be covered by Medicare after
24 months. The only other option for immediate cash is a loan
- churches, friends, etc.